“Grief is just impossible,” Beanie shares. “It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed. To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus.”
“About a year ago, Jordan Feldstein passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person,” Beanie continues. “He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys. He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name.”
“In this past year, I have learned an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth of my own heart. The pain is so unbearable at times, so unremitting,” Beanie writes. “Yet, in addition to the deluge of feelings leaking out of me at all times, I have found the process of grief (because it is and will always be a process, never finished, never concluded) to be just as resonant in my mind as it is in my heart.”
Beanie goes on to describe grief as wearing a pair of glasses you can never take off.
“And these glasses make me see the world differently than I did before. The colors bleed together more vividly. But they are somehow more than they ever were before. More visceral. More vibrant. More present. Simultaneously more awe-inspiring and more aching,” Beanie writes. “Sometimes I can push the glasses to the end of my nose so I can peer over them to see the world the way I used to see. But I can only see over or around to my old perspective. I can never see it totally as it was ever again.”
Beanie concludes: “It is a club full of suffering and questioning but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience. And if you are also in the club, please know you are not alone, because I am also a begrudging member,” she added. “And while I wish I could rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream, I try to recognize what the glasses have given me: that unique blend of humanity that is simultaneously the darkest dark and the brightest bright.”